Be A Great Communicator, Become A Great Listener.
Author: James Conlon
“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.
We listen to reply”
When talking with friends, colleagues or family how often do you find yourself waiting for a gap in the dialogue so you can say what’s on your mind? It is a trap many of us fall into, being more focused on ourselves, what we are thinking or plan to say rather than paying attention to the other person’s point of view.
When we are not fully engaged in a conversation there are consequences:
It rarely goes unnoticed. This can damage trust. As a result, our words have less impact.
When our attention is focused on our own thoughts, we miss a huge amount of information both spoken and body language.
Levels Of Listening
Author and leadership expert Stephen Covey stated the way we listen falls into one of the following categories:
• Ignoring – This is the lowest level of listening. Being physically present but totally disengaged.
• Pretend – Giving a pretence of listening. Saying things like ‘I see’ and ‘OK’ but not being fully aware of what has been said.
• Selective – This is when we pay attention to the speaker if they are talking about things we like or agree with.
• Attentive – This is when we are focused on the message from our particular point of view. How does what is being said impact us? What would we do in that situation? When attentively listening we can disengage to process what’s been said and whether we agree or disagree.
• Empathetic – This is when we focus on what is being said and try to understand what is happening for the other party. When we are listening empathetically, we are alert to both verbal and non-verbal communication.
At the highest level of listening, empathetically, we receive a far more accurate impression of what is being communicated to us.
How To Develop Your Listening Skills
Many of us have formed bad listening habits. We have grown accustomed to spending most of our time at the lower end of Covey’s scale. ‘Ignoring’, ‘Pretending’ and ‘Selectively’ listening to those around us. If we wish to improve our listening skills and notice more of the non-verbal clues people give us, practice is key. The more we practice listening, the more it becomes an unconscious habit.
Practice - Exercise
When next in a meeting or catching up with friends, see how long you can go without speaking. Use facial expressions and head movements to acknowledge what is being said. If you must, use phrases such as ‘yes’, ‘I see’, ‘I understand’ or even just sounds like ‘mmm’ or ‘ah’.
At first, you may well struggle to do this for more than a minute or two but over time you will become more comfortable listening and observing. You may be amazed just how much the other person opens up and how much you discover about them
Use open questioning
Asking questions demonstrates interest and encourages the other person to open up and talk. The type of questions we ask determines the quality of the responses we receive. Closed questions are those that only permit short, simple answers such as yes, or no. Whilst open questions allow the other party to control the direction of the conversation and share what’s really important to them.
Open questions begin with:
Who,
What,
Which,
Where,
When,
How,
Why.
For example: What happened next? When or how did you do that? Why is that important to you? Who was there? Which do you prefer and why?
Another great open question is, ‘Tell me more about…..’
The Benefit Of Being A Good Listener
When we develop good, empathetic listening skills we build trust with others, we are more likely to notice nonverbal communication cues and those around us are more likely to listen when we speak.