How To Give Difficult Feedback

Author: James Conlon

Feedback is an essential component of personal development. If we are not open to constructive feedback, we are closed to positive change. Yet many of us feel extremely uncomfortable either giving or receiving feedback. We’ll do our best to avoid it. Or we’ll gloss over the key message to the extent that it is completely lost on the other party. At the other extreme, our discomfort can lead to us blurting it out in an unconstructive manner, losing its impact and potentially damaging relationships.

This guide is based on the workshops I run with teams. It explains how we can give feedback and receive constructive feedback in a way that makes it more likely to be considered and less likely to offend or damage relationships.

Do’s When Giving Feedback:

Implementing the following principles can increase the likelihood that our message is received as intended and considered.

• Seek permission. If the other person is not open to feedback, it does not matter how good your delivery is. In the work context, there is often implicit permission such as one-to-ones and performance reviews. Feedback is more likely to be received well when you have explicit permission. ‘Would you mind if I gave you some feedback?’ is a powerful question. Once the recipient has answered ‘Yes’ it makes it harder for them to reject what you say.

• Avoid the ‘s**t sandwich’ approach (compliment, criticism, compliment). People are familiar with this technique and may read you as insincere.

• Make it about behaviours, not people. Avoid personal criticism and judgement. “When you ……. I felt disrespected”, as opposed to “You are disrespectful”, “By saying ….. in the meeting I felt you were not supporting the team”, as opposed to “You are not a team player.” Actions and behaviours are easy to correct, whilst personal criticism requires change at an identity level. It touches who we think we are, our values and our beliefs, and is likely to generate resistance.

• Provide evidence. This enables the recipient to consider the facts for themselves. If you cannot provide evidence when asked, you’re more likely to frustrate the recipient than trigger positive change.

• Allow time for challenging feedback to be absorbed. To go straight from receiving hard feedback to a plan of action may be unrealistic.

• Frame the positive. Which is more likely to evoke positive change in you? Focussing on all your mistakes or how you can achieve future success. For example “That presentation really wasn’t great. You really need to be more concise next time.” Vs “When you deliver a concise message people sit up and notice.”

• Watch your language. Certain words and phrases evoke helpful, subconscious reactions in others. Simply eliminating them from our vocabulary can have a profound impact. This is covered in more detail below.

When Receiving Feedback

Many of us feel uncomfortable receiving compliments and quickly reject them. We’ll downplay our achievements or assign the credit to others. Consider the impact of this on the other party. They have invested their time in us, and we quickly disregard their thoughts.

Whether we agree with their feedback or not, rejecting it or arguing why they are wrong is unlikely to change their opinion, particularly if the feedback is related to a perceived improvement opportunity. Ungracefully rejecting feedback is likely to result in us receiving no further feedback from that person. Much better to thank them for their thoughts and then decide whether to act on the feedback or not.

Be Mindful Of Language

Certain words have a hidden, subconscious meaning either for us or our audience. So our choice of words can mean the difference between our message landing well or being rejected.

Here are a few examples:

But!

When we hear the word ‘but’ in a sentence, it has a powerful effect. We tend to diminish the value of what has been said and place a greater emphasis on what is about to come. Consider the following sentences:

• I can see that you are working hard, but we need more.

• I like hanging out with you but I’m busy right now.

• You look great in that but let’s keep shopping and see what else we find.

The insertion of ‘but’ changes the meaning of what has been said. In contrast, consider the following sentences:

• I can see that you are working hard. We must find a way to achieve more.

• I like hanging out with you. I’m really busy right now.

• You look great in that. Let’s keep shopping in case we find something even better.

‘Yet’ and ‘however’ have a similar effect but not as powerful.

Why?

Take care when asking why, if you wish to change or disagree with the other person’s opinion. Asking ‘why?’ subconsciously causes the recipient to search for evidence that backs up the position they hold and strengthens their point of view.

For example:

Why do you think no one likes you? What’s happened to make you feel that way?

Asking ‘why?’ is a useful way of strengthening a point of view we like or agree with. It is used in sales to focus attention and reinforce where products are aligned to a customer’s requirements. Asking questions such as “So why do you like this product? Why do you think this is a great book?” “Why do you like that feature?”

In these situations, asking why encourages the potential buyer to focus on the areas of the product that most suits their needs.

“You Are Wrong!”

A statement frequently used both professional and social settings. Yet rarely, does this statement lead to an open discussion with both parties considering the other's point of view. A direct challenge or criticism is likely to evoke defensive behaviour, potentially break rapport and damage relationships. It is also likely to entrench positions.

By challenging beliefs or opinions respectfully and positively we are more likely to encourage a constructive, robust discussion. Consider the following alternatives:

• My experience is different because…….

• I disagree because………

• I have concerns with your approach that I’d like to discuss

• I think that …. is a better way to achieve that outcome because …..

• Have you considered ………?

Actually…

Very similar to ‘You are wrong’ when used to prefix what you believe to be the correct facts, options, or opinions.

With Respect …

Again, similar to ‘You are wrong’. When have you ever heard these words and felt that those delivering them were being respectful? No offence but…is a similar phrase.

I’m Just Saying!

The chances are if you find yourself saying this you have just given someone some unrequested and probably unwanted, negative feedback.

To Be Honest, If I’m Honest

When we prefix a statement in this way, we are implicitly declaring that everything else we say is less than honest. These statements can sow a seed of doubt in the minds of others.

The Power of ‘We’

If we wish to build relationships quickly then ‘We’ is a powerful word. ‘We’ suggests part of the same group or tribe. ‘We are all in this together.’ It creates a common bond and implies a level of understanding. ‘Us’, ‘Our’, and ‘Ours’ have a similar effect.

Using the words ‘You’, ‘Them’, and ‘Their,’ may suggest difference and create subconscious barriers.